Articles - Research Room
The bigger issues of social policy have their effect in marriage and divorce.
| Are governments replacing husbands? |
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Author: Divorce Anthropologist | Subject: Research Room |
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Created On: 2008-04-29 | Last Edited On: 2008-05-02 |
What Women Want
Our visitor poll tells us that 40% of you are thinking about separating! 36% of you have separated and 11% of you have already divorced! What does this tell us? That there are a lot of unhappy couples out there, wanting more out of their relationships and life.
Marriage is certainly not the answer for happiness. The majority of us may never live the ‘happy every after’ being more likely to get divorced (at least once). A recent report from the ‘Office for National Statistics’ in the UK predicts that only 10% may make their 60th Wedding Anniversary. 45% of all marriages will end in divorce and the remaining 45% in death of a partner. If your marriage survives 10 years then around 31% still stand a chance of ending in divorce, and if you’re lucky enough to reach the 20 year mark the chances of divorce drop to around 15%.
source
In Europe divorce may be even more advanced if the latest statistics from Belgium are anything to go by. For every 100 marriages there is now a staggering 71 divorce applications. Yes that is 71%!
Most women still hold the thought of being happily married as their life’s ambition. But on the other hand, it is a well documented fact that it is overwhelmingly women who file for divorce. So there are a lot of dissatisfied married women out there and increasing numbers of divorced and unmarried women. Perhaps you are thinking about separating? Well there are many reasons that women find themselves wanting more.
Political and legal thinking around the world are reshaping social norms, often instituting laws that are aimed at improving inequalities and protecting the rights of men, women and children. However, in doing so many of our incentives which traditionally held family in place are being removed. The question for many now is why would I want to marry and do I need to?
In our evolution there was a strong case for pair bonding. Human babies with years of physical and emotional development occurring after birth, require the care and protection of two parents until they could reproduce children of their own. Now the clarity of roles between men and women is somewhat blurred. The ‘traditions’ upon which the necessary pair bonding has been built, have been eroded. Governments can and are taking on the paternal role providing economic support to solo parents and helping women into the workforce by providing child care subsidies.
The cultural, legal and religious laws that govern societies today are extremely varied in laws governing marriage and divorce. But in our western countries it could be said that it is easier to get divorced and survive solo even if it means a drop in economic status and wealth. Human babies still require extensive care and investment of time, money and emotional support. However, divorce is increasing and the traditional family unit is breaking down. It is clear that there is a growing divide between what men and women want.
Many women realise that to be the ‘stay at home wife’ will one day be of great detriment if their husband were to leave an unspoken fear that would lead to economic deprivation long term. Working is essential for women both in long term economic terms as well as emotional health. Men have not taken up the slack at home. Instead governments offer women child care whilst husbands don’t.
Was Jack Nicholson right in his assessment of marriage in the movie ‘The Three Witches of Eastwick’ when he said “There are three things that make a woman bloom” he said “Death, Divorce or Desertion”. Marriage stifles a woman, sucks all the life from her.” Well maybe modern marriage exhausts her.
Whilst the majority of women still have and raise children, social legislation in many countries is rapidly changing. New legislation aims to resolve social and perhaps gender based problems. Topics of parenting, care giving, custody, financial support for children and custodians, shared parenting arrangements, abduction, immigration, wages, benefits, child care, children’s rights, parenting parameters and rights, have all been overhauled in western countries. It has not had the effect however of increasing the case for marriage, nor decreasing the desire for divorce.
I don’t know how long it takes for people to change, but I do know that many people will find it stressful keeping up with the chronic pace of social engineering. As more rules about parenting, divorcing, sharing wealth, contribution to partnerships, where you can live with your children, living together and marriage are revised and amended relationships of every kind are forced to revaluate their foundations, and many are broken through the inability of people to change their belief systems at the same speed.
We are left with more questions than answers. How quickly will the values and beliefs of those that have to live it change? In the case of men and women will they both accept the changes with the same enthusiasm?
What will take the place of marriage? Will our children find happiness in marriage and family? Will they want to? What do we tell them to aspire to?
Your thoughts are welcome
Divorce-Anthropologist@divorce.co.nz
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